The most important decision you can make

There is one decision that we make in our lifetime that is possibly one of the biggest things we can ever decide. Yet it’s often done without much thought at all and it’s wild to me. And that decision, is who you choose to spend the rest of your life with. The relationship you have with your partner will dictate most of how your life is going to go.

The right partner will push you to be the best version of yourself. They will allow space for you to grow and change. They will pick up the slack when needed (because it is very rare that a relationship will be 50/50). Most importantly though, they will be your best friend. When you strip away everything else, this person should be your companion to the truest form. You should be able to laugh until tears roll down your cheeks with them, share your most sacred dreams and ideas without worry of judgement. They are your confidant, your safe space. And while it won’t always be easy (because nothing in this life ever is), you’ll know that the tough times won’t last forever.

I’ve heard of so many people really struggling to make it work once they become parents. How having a baby throws out their lives, they can’t seem to agree on how to parent or what roles they now play within the home. And it truly baffles me that couples don’t talk about what it will look like when they start a family. What they expect and what their partner expects. Like, you are making the biggest life change you’ll ever make and you don’t think to talk about it first?

For us, we made very clear expectations for each person. I said I wanted to stay home and raise our child, be a typical housewife, if you will. I would take care of the home and the children and my husband would be the sole provider for us. We agreed that if I was to go back to work that the child raising and housework would be split equally and my husband very happily (and very quickly) agreed to not having that life. Now, before all you feminists come screaming that “hE SHouLd HeLP aRoUnd tHe HoME”, let me be clear - he does. Some days, he comes home to a messy house and he tidies it. But we made it clear what our roles would be within the home and I think that has really helped this transition into parenthood be such a smooth one. Is this lifestyle for everyone? No. Some women hate this traditional set up and guess what - that’s totally fine! You need to decided what works for YOU as a couple. This works for us. I have never gone through the ‘roommate’ phase with my partner that you hear so much about in the first year of having a child. We still find moments in the day to connect with each other, to be just us. But this season we are in is so wonderfully crazy. It’s not our time for late night dinners or child free getaways, those will come back one day and I’m sure it will be bittersweet when it does.

I see so many couples not willing or wanting to fully commit. And a huge thing (that I think personally) is not combining finances. As soon as we bought our first home together we linked up our bank accounts and have shared them ever since. We discuss big purchases with each other before making them but generally we are free to use the money as we need. I know that for some women they need that safety net, maybe you’ve been through a DV relationship or whatever it may be that makes you need the security of your own money. And that’s ok. Have your own account if you must, but put most of your money together. After all, if you are committed to riding this life out together why not go all in?

The person you choose to do life with is the biggest decision you’ll ever make. They can either lift you up or tear you down. How you are as a couple is how your kids will grow up expecting to be loved. So if you wouldn’t want this love for your child in the future, why would you settle for it now? And that doesn’t mean leaving the moment things get hard or uncomfortable. Because, even with a strong relationship there will be moments in your life where you aren’t happy with each other. That’s life sometimes. But I always look at it like seasons. Some may feel like a lifetime, and some may fly by but nothing will last forever. If you have a foundation that’s built on love, respect and communication then you will be able to overcome most obstacles that are thrown your way.

Love as always, J x